"community"

Tonight there is a going away party for a priestess in the local Reclaiming community who I initiated, who has been dear to me. When I first wrote that sentence, it read; “my community” as opposed to “the local Reclaiming community”. The “my community” is no longer true or accurate. It hasn’t been for a long time. Coming to that realization has been an arduous and painful process. My acceptance of it is recent. It’s still habit to use “my” in connection to naming the community, and I’m just beginning to catch myself and mindfully change my reference. I’m assuming there will be lots of people from the local Reclaiming community at this party. Some of the people I like, even love. It's been home to me for decades. I joined the mix in 1980. But as a whole, I don’t feel welcomed in that community, and if I hold anyplace at all anymore, it seems to be the place and part of scapegoat.

I know quite intimately what happens if you politely mention, put an item on the agenda, or write an article which addresses that the Emperor has no clothes. Some locally respect me, some have even played the same role in this ongoing story. Some locally cast me as a hero for speaking up, and rely on me to keep doing so. My overwhelming experience is getting hit by the sticks and stones of the general populace, not to mention the minions of the emperor(s). Reclaiming has a constant flow of newcomers, many who first fall in love with the “community”at the local witchcamp, I deal with a steady stream of fresh faces who when introduced to me at public rituals, say “Oh, you’re Oak! And back away carefully, or worse, are downright rude to me. Reya’s reminded me more than once how after going to a non-Reclaiming party a year or so ago I went on and on how it felt to go to a gathering where I was liked, where I was introduced with warmth and enthusiasm to those I didn’t know, where I was held in some esteem by the community at large. This is not my experience in Reclaiming. As I’ve let go of the idea of local Reclaiming being “my” community, I’ve realized that I actually do live and work in community, that I have a web of connection that is sturdy, loving, and nourishing. It turns out that I do have a community I love, and that loves me.

One strand of my true community did and still does originate from local Reclaiming. In the past twenty-five years I’ve met some of my closest friends through that association. Most of them are also on the enemies list (a reference to Richard Nixon – for those of you who don’t know that history, substitute “shit list”) of those who are most invested in keeping the local structures (like California camp) standing and unquestioned. Those most invested are of course those most in power. Those of us who still live locally have felt the bite of that power, being functionally dispossessed in that we are not welcomed/allowed to teach or probably even attend the local gathering of “witchcamp. This an event remarkable in its non-adherence to Reclaiming’s principles of unity, put on differently from almost any other camp in the wider Reclaiming community. One person does have the power to ban others, and I am most certainly banned. Those of us on the enemies list have generally come to the conclusion that we’ve learned every thing we need to know about and from engaging in a long and protracted power struggle, and we’ve moved on. Some of my community, like Rose May Dance, are still in the thick of things in local Reclaiming, but I find myself basing less and less of our ongoing relationship on that connection.

Teaching magic classes has also strengthened my strand of true community. Some of my students are turning into friends, and those who are interested in engaging with the energy body of local Reclaiming have been forewarned. Since I no longer regard it as “my” community, I feel less invested in the parts friends or students play in that arena. The point for me in teaching magic is to teach the art and craft of magic, not to proselytize for more “community” members. As I do this, the stronger my actual community becomes. Letting go of the mirage of Reclaiming being my community has brought into focus what I truly have.

I have been emotionally preparing for going to this party tonight, drawn by my love and respect for the friend who is leaving, dreading feeling the energy body of something that has proved so hurtful to me. As circumstances would have it, it turns out that I’m not going to make it to the party. As I write this, it occurs to me that maybe at this point that energy body would not be so disturbing to me. I no longer am engaged in trying to shift or change it, and my grief over what it is versus what I want it to be is now much more a private matter. I’m sure it will continue to be upsetting to have people treat me rudely, but over time, even this will eventually fade away, and someone else will be the dark sheep of that community, or the local chew toy. I love July, I wish I was at her party.