please and thank you

There should be a name for that moment right before you get news that could change your life. Don’t we all know that moment, know that feeling? The phone rings in the middle of the night, and before we pick it up, we have it. We hold the envelope in our hands and it comes on strong. It is fear, but also something else, particular unto itself. Many times that moment is actually hours, if not days. We wait for the results of the biopsy, for the results on the big test we took, we wait to hear if loved ones survived when disasters hit. We wait for friends to come out of a coma, we wait to see if a surgery is successful, we wait to hear something and we hope that it is good, that it won’t involve loss or suffering.

That moment, whether an actual minute or a stretch into days, is the place where no matter the faith, no matter the religion, we all tend to enter the same psychic space. Whether anxious, shut down, self-medicating, or stoic, most of us are emitting a mighty PLEASE.

I think even atheists emit this PLEASE, this strong psychic request that the outcome be good. Whether our beliefs or not, it’s part of our humanity to experience and enter this moment when we know life is held in the balance, where we wait to hear or see which way it falls, and we hope and can’t help but emit the psychic request for a good outcome. An atheist might say that it’s moments like these that humans invented a God for. And, they’re probably right. Because, in these moments, I do think we all are asking like crazy, something, somebody, make this turn out right. And, it’s much more comforting to believe something, somebody, is listening. I believe an atheist can be in foxhole and not believe in God. However, I think atheists and the devout alike enter a similar state of please. The devout just have a name to attach it to. And the devout Pagan, well, we have names of countless Gods, Goddesses, and all the elements to say please to.

I’ve been in this moment now since Thursday. A huge fire is raging in the hills above Santa Cruz. My sister’s family and animals had to flee, and they now are being housed amongst friends. They are safe, and that of course, is what is most important. But, the house is beloved, having been designed and built by them off the grid, with a garden that took twenty years to get to where it is. If it gets burned, they all will be devastated. Plus, it’s under-insured.

There have been moments when things have looked pretty bad, like when leaving they could see the fire approaching their hill. There have been times it’s looked good, like now, when we just heard the house is still standing and that the firefighters have created a fire break right before it. But, the fire is still raging, and the fire fighters told them there are hot spots all around that could still erupt. It’s not yet a sure thing that the house will survive the fire.

Besides my sister and her family, I know and care deeply for another family who has been evacuated. I know they are safe, but I don't know about their home. The moment that I am writing about most often occurs when we are aware that things are in the balance for ourselves or those we love. But, occasionally we feel it more globally. Cyclones in Burma, earthquakes in China, towers hit in New York, hurricanes in New Orleans; for most of us there are times we come to attention and enter that moment for others we don't know or personally love.

Annie Lamott says there are two basic prayers, help me, help me, and thank you, thank you. I think she’s half right. I think there are two basic prayers and thank you is definitely one of them. But the other is not help me so much as PLEASE!!! Isn’t it funny that good manners really are the language of spirit? My allies demand them, don't yours?

I sent out word on Thursday to many of my Pagan friends and family to send their Pagan prayers. A friend devoted to Brigid assured me she’s on the case. Another friend put rainwater on her altar and asked for rain. Others are working with air for the winds to become still. Everthing and everybody seem to be cooperating, as the winds died down on Friday morning and drizzle and fog covered the mountains.

Moments like these you become acutely aware of the precariousness of life and circumstance. There is gratitude, fear, tenderness and strength all mixed up together. There is deep yearning for things to turn out right, and for the Fates and the universe to work in our favor. This is the moment we want to believe in magic and know that it will work. We all know this moment, and yet there is no name for it. Or is there? Maybe this moment is really a concentrate of what is actually always happening, what is always going on in and around us. Maybe this moment is simply life.

Please let this fire be contained and no more homes burned. Please let my sister’s home be safe and standing. Please let me get to the place where the thank yous take over. Please? Thanks!

i feel pretty oh so pretty!

My new life style involves lots of walking. Walking involves lots of seeing. Yesterday in Noe Valley I ended up walking closely behind two men. I followed them around a corner I didn’t need to turn on, and continued on for a block or so purely because I was intrigued by their conversation. Actually, that’s not true. I was intrigued by their energy.

The two men were a large white guy in saffron robes and a much smaller Asian guy in jeans and a tee shirt. Both were American. The visuals were striking, and kind of funny. But, again, more striking and to me, amusing, was the energy. The smaller guy was looking up to the other, and not just physically. He was asking questions. The big guy was giving ANSWERS. He used the word attachment several times, explaining how unproductive it is in a spiritual life. And, he was clearly attached to giving answers and being looked up to. Everything about him radiated narcissism, and not the healthy kind.

I’m so glad I observed this. I’ve been thinking a lot lately about narcissism and how my spiritual traditions seem to exacerbate and sometimes even create it. Reclaiming is a fertile ground for extroverted narcissistic tendencies to blossom, what with easy access to being in the center of the circle, a focus on empowerment within a climate of no accountability, and the persistent thought form that our magic is the only thing that can really change the world. Feri is fertile ground for narcissistic introverts, with its ooga booga, secrecy, and persistent thought form that those who receive “the current” are special. The hexing that is so glorified in some Feri circles suits narcissists nicely. Somebody pisses you off? Well, gather your energy and do a spell to annihilate them! In Reclaiming, the spellwork is not encouraged, but like in other Pagan and feminist groups,  female bullying is common.

How to deal with narcissism is one of the things I think a lot about as I endeavor to integrate and make sense of my two traditions. Is it possible to create spiritual community where healthy narcissism is encouraged, but not the disorder? In the over-culture ruthless self interest is encouraged above all else, and those who are narcissistic tend to be successful in business. Is it really that different in spiritual communities? Following the man in the saffron robes and his acolyte, I was provided the visual aid that we are not alone. Spiritual narcissism happens in all traditions. Heck, it even happens among the Gods!

Yahweh is a classic narcissist. Charming and with lots of charisma, he turns on a dime and smotes those who don’t look up to him or have the audacity to disagree with him. Zeus, too, is a classic case. Narcissus himself, well, he is the cautionary tale that those who focus solely on the love of their own beautiful reflection literally starve. As with us humans, the male’s narcissism is more overt, and the female’s not so easy to point at. There certainly are Goddesses who are raging narcissists, but I’m not naming names.

The literature on narcissism says that the majority of narcissists are men. I think that’s wrong. Or maybe those who’ve researched it have never been in feminist, activist or magical circles. The new research on situational narcissism has a lot to offer those of us from these communities. Fame can create pathological narcissism. So can continued teaching of witchcamp. The energy between the men I followed down the street was familiar to me. It went beyond the student/teacher dynamic. There is danger in being looked up to. Especially spiritually. We can start to expect this and see it as the natural order of things, creating grandiosity that is fed by adoration and that grows hungrier and hungrier instead of becoming satiated.

Knowing about narcissism and how it operates is useful for everyone who lives in human community. Being able to name it, even better. I’m grateful for my little turn around a corner I wasn’t expecting. I know we Witches are not alone. I’ve seen it, with my own eyes. I’ve felt it, with my own sixth sense. And I've treated it, as a psychotherapist. The research on narcissism shows that it's steadily on the rise, we are becoming a culture of narcissists.  Taking a walk down any road will mean encounters with narcissism. Even the spiritual path of the Witch. 

a lot can change

“Any intelligent woman who reads the marriage contract, and then goes into it, deserves all the consequences.”

Isadora Duncan

A lot can happen in one lifetime! I just got off the phone with my girlfriend and I am stunned. The California Supreme Court has just overturned a gay marriage ban in a ruling that will make our nation's largest state the second one to allow gay and lesbian weddings. We live in this state. So, she proposed to me. Again.

In my early twenties, when I was riding high on the second wave of feminism, I had to be bought off to attend my sister’s wedding. I was against marriage and loved to quote Isadora Duncan on the subject. In fact, I quoted her immediately to my sister when she called to ask me to be her bridesmaid. My father followed this call up with one of his own, and in this call, he exasperatedly said that given that he wouldn’t have to pay for a wedding for me, he’d buy me a car if I would be a bridesmaid. Another condition for this deal was that I shave my legs and armpits. The ’72 Pinto that I received for selling out lasted far longer than my sister’s marriage.

A lot can happen in one lifetime. I got married in the eighties. I blame it on being a witch. Ritual and ceremony had become meaningful, and we decided that making it legal would help our families (his, staunch Irish-Catholics, including a nun) recognize our witch wedding as valid and legitimate. Starhawk and Rose May Dance priestessed the handfasting, and it was quite a spectacle. It is my strong belief that we never bothered to turn in the papers and that the marriage never was truly “legal”. We never possessed or received in the mail a marriage license. It is typical of us both to not follow through on paperwork, which came up again in getting our very legal divorce, which took over six years to complete. At no time did we ever get asked to provide legal proof of the marriage, which was good, as we had none.

A lot can happen in one lifetime. I am now no longer married to a man but living with a woman. She asked me to marry her and gave me an engagement ring soon after we started seeing each other, but somehow, it all has seemed kind of like a sweet joke. I accepted, as I love her and felt like this relationship could really work. Plus, I really liked the ring. We took our time moving in together, and we’ve been taking our time in regards to doing any big ceremony. I priestessed a handfasting of a lesbian couple last year and as soon as it was over, she whispered to me “I want THAT”. We like to talk about the great party we eventually will have and all our diverse friends and family coming together. We’ve been way more interested in this than getting domestic partnership.

And now, it appears we actually can get married. Unlike me, she’s the type to follow through on paperwork. Could it really be that I might get legally married in this lifetime to a woman?

I’m stunned. And somehow, I can’t help thinking of the cartoon in the New Yorker portraying a straight couple in which one of them is reading the paper and the caption has her saying - “Gay Marriage – haven’t they suffered enough?”

It’s a big day. A lot has changed in one lifetime, and a lot changed today. Tonight I will join my girlfriend in the Castro to celebrate. This is a major victory. Isn’t it?

amazing grace

It was almost exactly a week ago that I landed back in my beloved city. This afternoon I finally feel fully at home. There’s a barley risotto simmering on the stove and the smell of rosemary, sage, and fresh spring garlic is wafting through the house. Barley is very low on the glycemic index, something that is important if you have diabetes. Using herbs from my garden, it is on its way to becoming just as tasty as the arborio rice risottos I cooked in the past. If you are managing diabetes with diet and exercise, rice, for the most part, is out. This Beltane is a time of change, the barley being one of many.

I spent a lot of time today on my rooftop garden, weeding, watering, and cutting the herbs that would go into tonight’s meal. Amidst the plants and with the lovely gnome Chomsky presiding, I mused on all the Beltane energies at play. At Samhain and again at Beltane, the veil is thin between the worlds. At Samhain, the veil is thin between the living and the dead, but at Beltane, the veil is thin between humans and the spirits of the wild and green. Seventeen years back I saw a giant toad in my back yard amongst the foxglove and made a wish for happiness. That day I conceived my son. Is it any wonder I believe in magic?

On Saturday I danced the maypole at my friend Anne’s, staying well past when most folks had left. My son and his best friend had come with me, their condition for coming being we would leave when they were ready. I never imagined they wouldn’t want to leave. Anne’s daughter is a year younger than my son, and after years of ignoring each other, they suddenly are back to being friends. The Beltane grin on his face when he turned to tell me it would be just a little bit longer, and then walked off to the beach with a hair tossing passel of teenage girls is now firmly implanted in my memory bank. This is a memory that will always have the power to make me smile.

It was good to be at Anne’s, amidst those we have come to call “Remaining”. Cora Anderson had died early Beltane morning, her timing being nothing but impeccable. Years back, I had visited the Andersons several times with my Feri coven, of which Anne and Thorn were a part of. I can’t remember much of what Victor specifically talked about, but I remember clearly Cora talking about making soup. I learned from her that the energy put into making a meal is just as important as the ingredients. Cora was a gardener and a cook, and practical magic was her specialty.

This morning at her memorial, many talked about Cora’s pragmatic magical practice. Looking around, I noticed that the only people from Reclaiming that were in attendance were those of us who are Remaining, the very same people who I’d visited with at Anne’s on Saturday. Anne, Thorn, Medusa, and Macha were all there to pay their respects. Cora had become real family to Thorn, but for me, this was a simple matter of honoring an esteemed elder. Robin and Rocky were there too, a couple who were instrumental in the development of early Reclaiming, but, like the bulk of other seasoned priest/esses of Reclaiming's past, they no longer count among the small group of us Remaining.

It struck me that this was also pretty much the same group that showed up for Susan North’s memorial service in January. For all the talk in Bay Area Reclaiming about community, it is striking how unimportant it seems to be to honor the history of individuals who have contributed to and made up the "community". Feri is one of the strong strands out of which Reclaiming is woven. Without Feri, without Cora, Reclaiming would look entirely different. This seems to be another form of practical and pragmatic magic, this putting energy into showing up for memorials and funerals, ritualizing the fact that people’s individual lives have mattered. As time goes on, it becomes clearer to me that potent magic doesn't just happen in cast circles, but in kitchens and the small kindness of good manners.

The service for Cora ended with her son leading us all in reciting together her recipe for coleslaw which was printed at the back of the program. Then, pie was served.

Anne drove me back to the city and I spent the afternoon in my rooftop garden. I thought about Beltane, about my son, and about Cora. And then, I started to make dinner. Magic is simple. It is everywhere, and it is in everything. Barley takes the place of rice, herbs are thrown in, and I stir in a good helping of health and well being. I know who will be showing up for dinner, and I count my blessings that I have people in my life who show up.

Thank you, Cora, for what you added to this world. Thank you, spirits of green and of the wild, for what you have added to my life.

This morning, a bag piper played Cora’s favorite song, “Amazing Grace” after everyone had spoken. I can’t have pie, but the sweetness is still everywhere. And, it’s amazing.