Isadora Duncan
A lot can happen in one lifetime! I just got off the phone with my girlfriend and I am stunned. The California Supreme Court has just overturned a gay marriage ban in a ruling that will make our nation's largest state the second one to allow gay and lesbian weddings. We live in this state. So, she proposed to me. Again.
In my early twenties, when I was riding high on the second wave of feminism, I had to be bought off to attend my sister’s wedding. I was against marriage and loved to quote Isadora Duncan on the subject. In fact, I quoted her immediately to my sister when she called to ask me to be her bridesmaid. My father followed this call up with one of his own, and in this call, he exasperatedly said that given that he wouldn’t have to pay for a wedding for me, he’d buy me a car if I would be a bridesmaid. Another condition for this deal was that I shave my legs and armpits. The ’72 Pinto that I received for selling out lasted far longer than my sister’s marriage.
A lot can happen in one lifetime. I got married in the eighties. I blame it on being a witch. Ritual and ceremony had become meaningful, and we decided that making it legal would help our families (his, staunch Irish-Catholics, including a nun) recognize our witch wedding as valid and legitimate. Starhawk and Rose May Dance priestessed the handfasting, and it was quite a spectacle. It is my strong belief that we never bothered to turn in the papers and that the marriage never was truly “legal”. We never possessed or received in the mail a marriage license. It is typical of us both to not follow through on paperwork, which came up again in getting our very legal divorce, which took over six years to complete. At no time did we ever get asked to provide legal proof of the marriage, which was good, as we had none.
A lot can happen in one lifetime. I am now no longer married to a man but living with a woman. She asked me to marry her and gave me an engagement ring soon after we started seeing each other, but somehow, it all has seemed kind of like a sweet joke. I accepted, as I love her and felt like this relationship could really work. Plus, I really liked the ring. We took our time moving in together, and we’ve been taking our time in regards to doing any big ceremony. I priestessed a handfasting of a lesbian couple last year and as soon as it was over, she whispered to me “I want THAT”. We like to talk about the great party we eventually will have and all our diverse friends and family coming together. We’ve been way more interested in this than getting domestic partnership.
And now, it appears we actually can get married. Unlike me, she’s the type to follow through on paperwork. Could it really be that I might get legally married in this lifetime to a woman?
I’m stunned. And somehow, I can’t help thinking of the cartoon in the New Yorker portraying a straight couple in which one of them is reading the paper and the caption has her saying - “Gay Marriage – haven’t they suffered enough?”
It’s a big day. A lot has changed in one lifetime, and a lot changed today. Tonight I will join my girlfriend in the Castro to celebrate. This is a major victory. Isn’t it?
15 comments:
Yes it is a big deal. That you and others in CA can if they choose to get hitched is a wonderful thing. Also CA was smart and put in a provision for divorce if that is to so desired.
I think it is. Great, that is, for those who want it.
For myself, I can't imagine ever getting married again, to anybody, now that I know how wonderful and workable life can be in partnership.
truth to tell, I'm more 'married' to my present partner of 8 years than I ever was to either of my 2 husbands.
But that's a personal maturity issue, I think.
Neither of us see any gains in obtaining a marriage licence. I think it must always be up to the people involved-whether gay, straight, poly or bi, to work out what will work for them.Obviously.
Love,
Terri in Joburg, where gay marriage is also legal and Pagans can perform the entire ceremony, should they wish.
As always, a lovely blending of personal and cultural commentary from you, Oak. I do hope you are backing up all these precious blog posts!
My love to you and J.
Anne
you mean, like, LEGALLY married...like, you could get half of my 401K.....
hmmmmmmmmm.....i think i liked being an outlaw better...
yours always, J
Well well. Of course I would be the last person to give you advice on the M subject. he he BUT in this case it may just be the principle of the thing...and everyone loves a party.
Can't wait to hear more about this!
May the Goddess guard you. Go get married.
~Breaks down and cries for a bit~
At xmas, I held G/Son on my lap and we clapped and clinked glasses -- Cheers! -- which he loves to do, when the first ex Mr Hecate's partner got down on his knees and asked the first ex Mr Hecate to marry him in NJ.
Sending you lovely vibes for your handfasting!
"The ’72 Pinto that I received for selling out lasted far longer than my sister’s marriage."
Priceless. If marriage is so great and sacred, why do 50% of couples want so badly out of them within 5 years?
Don't know if I am pro marriage, but I am pro-giving-all-citizens-the-same-damn-rights!
My favorite quote on marriage:
"Not merely to reproduce, but to produce something higher--toward that, the garden of marriage should help you."
- Nietzsche, Thus Spoke Zarathustra
I think it makes sense that there are some things that take the commitment of two beings to create through joint effort--just as there are some things that just take time and cannot be rushed through... I think marriage is only a mistake if it's assumed to be a continuation and codification of the romance that came before, rather than a whole new project with a whole new purpose.
But then, anytime someone tries to rely on an institution to guarantee more-of-the-same, I think it turns out badly. Love, politics, religion... We never seem to learn. ;)
I think it's great that you now have the right to marry if you want to!
Marriage works for me, but I also believe everyone's different and should be able to choose the relationship configuration that best suits them. Marriage in and of itself isn't better or worse than any other model. It's just one option of many.
More choice has to be a good thing, right?
Congratulations to Oak and Judy!
I come home from a long weekend teaching Spirit Mapping to find out that a whole section of Midgard's map has changed yet again while I was out traveling in other realms and realities. How delightful!
As you know Oak, it is not the state, the Mysterious Ones, the priestess or the ancestors who marry us. It is our folks, our hearth-clan, our feres and families who marry us.
But, I say, let's take advantage of every chance that comes our way to undermine the over-culture's dreams of control. Let's simply assume that our families are essential to a healthy culture, and behave accordingly. Let's shamelessly and publicly declare ourselves married queers, queer heart to queer heart! Let's also remember to take advantage of the monetary advantages too. Mark and I would have saved thousands of dollars in legal fees around our wills and what have you, if we could have had state papers recognizing our marriage.
Wow, and another chance for a damn good party and a sweet family reunion to boot? I say, 'Yes! Yes! Yes!' Mark and I can hardly wait to attend your wedding. We may even come wearing bells on our sleeves and our fingers.
Please remind Judy, that I adore her.
The first time I got married I was 18 and a lesbian. This past marriage I was a slightly older gay man. I just love getting gay married. I hope you do too.
I understand your excitement-- especially the joy of having a big fabulous party to celebrate your love and devotion to your partner-- but honestly the way queers are embracing marriage right now makes me kind of sad. It's not a pure righteous anger or a condescending sadness, but it's there, some disappointment that this form of privileged citizenry and legitimation is what we're rallying around.
Again, I don't mean to be a killjoy--- it's just my response to your perhaps rhetorical "isn't it?" that ended this piece.
Wow Deborah, this is the first time that I've read your blog....due to the fire, all these many many years I never knew you were such a prolific and great writer!
OK, my 2 cents, be happy you are in love and keep the state OUT OF IT! CA marriage doesn't solve all of the federal benefits you don't get..........makes money for the state and lawyers......I should know....just my opinion.....
So glad your sister's house is ok. Let me know if she needs help next weekend with anything!
xoxox, Janet
“Any intelligent woman who reads the marriage contract, and then goes into it, deserves all the consequences.”
Isadora Duncan
Love it, love it, love it...!!
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