unsure

After returning from my uncle’s funeral, I cleared pictures of the dead off the altar and removed all traces of the festival of Samhain. With every day, the dark of winter encroaches. All last week we had beautiful weather here in San Francisco, warm and bright. On Thanksgiving, a cold front moved in. Winter is here. Putting away the remains of Samhain, I found myself hesitant to bring out the Solstice decorations. I’m going more slowly into this season, and I’m not quite sure why. Usually at this time, the house is full of a variety of craft projects, which started a week or so after Samhain and fill the house by the time Solstice comes. Instead, yesterday after clearing the altars, I finished up the last (for the time being) of the spirit bottles, and still am not sure what gifts I want to make.

I’m settling into this time of unsureness. I’m unsure of my spiritual affiliations, unsure of what craft projects to embark on, unsure of whether to work on some relationships or let them go, and unsure of whether I want to be dating or not. This is new territory for me, and I’m finding it curious and almost enjoyable. For the most part, I’ve been a woman of primary and strong colors, knowing my own mind, having clear opinions, and decisive in my actions. Fern says Neptune is strong in my chart right now, so perhaps this unsureness, this sense of the ground shifting and changing beneath me, has something to do with the pull of Neptune on my senses.

Today Janet and Katite took me to brunch at the home of two friends who recently had a baby. One of them is from New York City, and she eschewed life in a house on Bernal Hill and insisted on an elegant condo downtown next to the ballpark. The brunch was a set-up; they’d all decided that a mutual friend and I might have chemistry. I was dubious, given that she’s a captain in the police force, and I’m an anarchist witch. The brunch was lovely, good conversation, easy rapport, and best of all, lots of laughter and good humor. But was there chemistry? I’m just unsure.

I came home and puttered around my house, doing those small preparations you do, like putting on flannel sheets, when winter settles in. Now I wonder, what should I have for dinner? Perhaps when the light returns, I will be once again regain my sense of sureness.

Who knows? At the moment, I'm just not sure.