spiritual/non-affiliated

One of the life themes running thru this past year or so has been the reviewing of my spiritual affiliations. This theme rears its head again and again, and hit me full force this last couple of weeks, and from a variety of directions. My son is in eighth grade, and is in the process of applying to San Francisco high schools. He’s decided he really wants to go to Catholic school. He can play football there, and being raised fully pagan, he’s interested in learning about Catholism. Going to Catholic school will perfectly suit him. He can pull my chain by threatening to convert, and I’m sure he’ll be asking questions at school such as “do we really think monotheism is such a good idea?”

So, as I fill out the applications to the several Catholic schools in the city, I’ve found myself checking off the box for “Spiritual/Non-Affiliated”. There’s no box for Witch, Wiccan , or Pagan. As I’ve checked the boxes, I’ve wondered at the truth in it. I am spriritual, and my strong affiliation with both Reclaiming and Feri are falling away.. Like clothes that are not the right size, I can’t get comfortable in either. Am I truly moving into a period of Spiritual/Non-Affiliated?

I’m teaching at a Reclaiming witchcamp this summer, and I continue to question the meaning of this. The less I have to do with Reclaiming, the better teacher of magic I become. The last three years I’ve enjoyed being of service on the teams I’ve been on, and have been proud of the work we’ve done, some of it clean-up work. I seem to be particularly skilled at mopping up after camps have gone thru some years of working with divas and those who take the camp on magical binges, running off to Fairy or madly opening portals to the unknown. My style of teaching is rooted in transmitting Reclaiming’s principles of unity and staying clear on our magical/practical intent, and I strive to keep the magic practical.

Paradoxically, it’s my love of those principles that’s made it become more and more untenable to affiliate with local Reclaiming. I think the thin thread connecting me to it was severed last week. I employed the questioning attitude in regards to the precedent being set by Rose and Starhawk in taking community money to buy a new rug for their ritual room. There wasn't money to send a spokes to the international spokescouncil, but apparently enough money to buy their household a rug. I was polite about it, pointing out there really hadn’t been community consensus process on the decision to fund the rug, but I can still feel the steam rolling out in my direction. I know that plenty of other people agreed with me and even appreciate my questioning this rug being a financial priority of Reclaiming, but of course the agreement is kept private. It was a personal slip of sorts for me to be the one to voice concern, , but it reminded me that this is my position/role in Reclaiming, a role and position I no longer want to be affiliated with.

Meanwhile, on the Feri intiates e-mail list, there’s been an incredibly lively discussion regarding several topics. I’ve so far refrained from jumping in, but following the discussions, I feel a curious alienation. Several have written about Feri amorality, and of course there’s been countless references to the black heart. With Reya’s break from Feri, and Thorn’s bringing to light my problems and differences with Anderson Feri Tradition, I’m questioning what I still want to affiliate with in Feri.

In the midst of this, my uncle died. He had a long life, and was, for the most part, a very unhappy man. Today I drove down to Morgan Hill, and entered the Episcopal church of my childhood, Saint John the Divine. It was here that I went to Sunday School, and it was here that I was confirmed. Close to thirty years ago it was here that the services were held for my father’s and cousin’s funereal. Those deaths served to open me spiritually to witchcraft, and propelled me far from this church of my childhood.

It was a small turnout for my uncle, but many of the faces I recognized. There was Mr. White my six grade teacher and Jean Patterson, the organist and mother of a high school friend. I found my memory stretched to put names to the faces that were both familiar and disconcertingly aged. The service was short and simple, and I strained to find some comfort or spiritual succor in the words said and hymns sung. I kept thinking of Reya, who is immersing herself in Judaism and finding treasures. Would this church hold out anything for me? I spotted the names on small plaques of my father and cousin in the small dining room we retired to after the service. The plaques were under decorated plates dedicated to the dead of the congregation. Again, many of the names I recognized.

I wanted to feel the connection of history, to feel in some way like I’d come home. I wanted the service to make emotional sense to me, to feel waves of love and the breathtaking sense of mystery that connection to the divine brings. I felt love for my aunt, and certain nostalgia for the building, but I could not find the divine at Saint John. My affiliation with the Episcopalians is long gone, and can’t be dredged back up. Reclaiming and Feri I continue to wriggle with, struggling with the discomfort of the fit. Would trying on Spiritual/Non-Affiliated, be just as discomforting? I wish I’d felt at home at Saint John the Divine. Wouldn’t that have been something?