my guardian angel

I opened up my e-mail this morning to find a post from my guardian angel, who sent along some photos he recently was given of himself as a child and of his parents and their friends dressed up like pirates and gypsies. He remembered the feel of the day and the moments that the photos had been taken, moments that happened decades ago, not thought about in years. He ended the post saying; "Things just come back into your life unexpectedly!"


I call him my guardian angel, because he so many times, in times of confusion and turmoil, has come unexpectedly back into my life, and has the blessed trick of doing so usually right when he’s most needed. He’s never come on a white horse to save or rescue me, but something about his kind voice, weird humor and arms that can enfold one like wings, has always given me comfort. He can always make me smile. We were lovers back when I was in my early twenties and he was in his mid thirties. I was a handful, going through the angry stage of radical feminism, full of contempt for men, and he drove me crazy, not taking any of that façade seriously, seeing something in me that I myself had a hard time recognizing. We had powerful chemistry and his quiet patience and sureness of care for me always intrigued me. That sureness of care was probably what broke us up, that and my need to wildly run from anything which involved my heart being vulnerable after the dominoes of death began to fall, starting with my father’s suicide (I lost three people I loved in less than six months). Even before my father’s suicide, nothing in my family history set me up for what was between us to feel familiar. On spending time with us, my sister remarked; "He’s too nice to you."


His "too niceness" has meant he’s never given up on me, never let go of caring for me, and he still can swoop in and cheer me up at exactly the right moment. He loves the wife and the child that he’s raised with her, and sends me pictures and descriptions of their very different life in small town America. He’s my guardian angel, and instead of shooting him down, which is what my childhood trained me for, I now have the strength of heart to allow this to be, to savor it and relish it, and to welcome him to his place at the feast that is my life. How unexpected!