the edge

Don't worry about what the world needs.

Ask what makes you come alive and do that.

Because what the world needs are people

who have come alive.

- H. Thurman

This arrived attached to someone’s e-mail on a Feri list I am on. After the last presidential election, as I tried to keep my head afloat in the sea of despair that engulfed so many of us, I sought guidance as to what I should be doing. Looking between the worlds, talking to my allies in all their forms, and listening to my dreams, the phrase “Do what you love” rose from the depths and became a strong refrain.

There was chatter at first, argument and debate. Doing what I love, isn’t that a cop-out, the position of the privileged, a stance of the culture of narcissism that is so indicative of this empire? I grew up wanting to be part of a great revolution. I threw myself into the feminist movement of the 1970’s, the anti-nuclear movement of the 1980’s, and have been committed to magical activism – training activists in the art of magic, thru the nineties and into this new century. I’m a quintessential Aquarian, yearning for the age of Aquarius to kick into high drive. But for the past few years, I haven’t been called to be part of any large actions or so-called mass mobilizations. I've been following my heart and listening to my intuition. This has kept me off the streets and out of jail.

One of the most publicized quotes of the demigod Che is: "At the risk of seeming ridiculous, let me say that the true revolutionary is guided by a great feeling of love.” Love. That magical juice that seems to be the stuff of life,the pulse of the multi-verse. This is the bliss to follow, this doing and being guided by what we love. More than ever, tapping into that current feels important to me…and I keep thinking of what Kelly and I had sung at our handfasting in the earnest 1980’s…the Charlie Murphyvsong which centers on this refrain;

There are those who want to set fire to the world.
We are in danger.
There is only time
To work slowly
There is no time not to love.

I learned slowly in that relationship not only about love, but about letting go and loving myself. This past year, as I tend my newly broken heart, I've slowly noticed that doing what I love makes me come more alive, restores and regenerates me. I love my work as a therapist, I love making art, I love making my home a place where friends are comfortable gathering. Coming alive means doing and being what I love. Love is not just about who I open my heart to, but about doing what I love, loving my life, coming to my senses. I'm glad there are people who are loving organizing, who love planning political demos and acts of resistence. My heart is not in it right now, and I have to follow my heart.

Today the sense that following my heart and listening to my intuition is the path I need to be following was reinforced. My heart and intuition guided me in making a phone call that was part of this coming alive, was in the service of life. And I’m thinking about my pledge to Brigid; to know the difference between what is dead and what is living, and to put my energy into the living. I learned today that my phone call assisted Daniel. The tendrils of suicidality were reaching out to him, and my phone call played a part in him reaching out towards life. And I reached out for life by picking up the phone today and hearing this. Some karmic debt was paid, some gear shift in the machinery of life just occurred. A life may have been saved. In the big picture, that life may even have been my own.

There is such a slender edge between life and death. Ghosts and specters reach out, alluring in their way, compelling and dramatic in their unnaturalness. My pledge is making me realize what an edgewalker I have been, how I so intimately know that place between, that thin precipice. Turning my eyes, opening my heart, I lean into life, towards the living. This may eventually lead me to some teargassed street, or once again some crowded holding cell. But for now, I'm coming alive in my work as a therapist, as an artist, loving my home and my cabin in the wilds. Life is good. How sweet it is!