coming into the light

From my early twenties until the year leading up to my fiftieth, I was acutely aware of the precariousness of the dark of the year. It was on the turn of the wheel at winter solstice that my father chose death over life. Over the years, I have known of others who lost their will to live in the dark of the year, and as a therapist, I operate somewhat like a car alarm on high in regards to those in my practice that battle depression during this time.

I’ve been talking to friends and to my therapist about the first anniversary of the suicide of my ex’s brother last Easter, experiencing another round of grief and feeling in regards to suicide and the loss of my relationship with my ex.

Coming home this week, I got hit with the news that two different men who I care for have both lost someone to suicide. And one of the men is my ex’s younger brother, who I felt so close to during the week following his brother’s death, who stayed closer to me than my ex did during the funeral. My heart goes out to him. All I know at this point is his housemate killed himself on the anniversary of the suicide of Daniel’s brother, Good Friday. What cruelty.

I’ve grappled long and hard with loss at the darkest time of the year. This spring I’m thinking about the pain and despair that can be felt at this time of rebirth, of resurrection, of how coming into the light can be just as excruciating as going down into the dark, how it can be just as deadly, and dangerous. I’m thinking of how hard I tried to repair, restore, resurrect, resuscitate, and finally had to relinquish love for someone I thought I would know my entire life, of how letting go hurts so goddamn much, but sometimes needs to be done in service of life. This last weekend I felt another cord be cut, another loss begun.

So, it is spring, the earth is in bloom, and the light begins to overtake the darkness. I’m learning about loss in the time of the light. I'm learning that life and death exist in both the light and the dark, and over and over again, in both the light and the dark, I continue to choose life. And here's another thing I know, the lightbringer surely does bring some darkness along with his brilliance. He's just that kind of guy.