A few weeks ago I noted a change in language, a new term easily rolling off people’s tongues. It entered my therapy room twice today. In
This is going to make the term “real” mom/dad obsolete in no time. Having been surrounded by parents with adopted children, and being the mother of a child who has both a dad and a bio-dad, I know the sting the “real” can cause. Does this make the other parent “unreal”? Up until now, there hasn’t been anything to substitute the “real” with that hasn’t sounded clumsy or veering on too much information. “Biological” is just too damn long, too clinical, and somehow makes one think of science class and dissecting frogs. I’ve always stumbled over it in introducing/explaining Jay’s place in my son’s life. Once, I introduced him as “Casey’s birth father”. He kidded me about this later, making the good point that “birth” only makes sense in regards to mothers, and the truth is he was nowhere in the vicinity when Casey made his grand entrance. Lesbian couples and parents of adopted children can easily use the term but, even so, invoking the thought form of childbirth every time you introduce yourself is a bit much. “Bio” on the other hand, is kinda hip and kinda sporty. It’s the kind of word you can imagine wearing a beret or zipping around on a moped.
One of useful teachings I’ve gotten from the Feri tradition is understanding the power of names, the distinct energy and magic contained in each and every word we speak. A rose by any other name might smell as sweet, but our experience of the flower is influenced mightily by the distinct cadence of the collected vowels and syllables of it’s name. Speaking to Jay tonight on the phone, I told him about the new label. We both agreed, it’s a term that is comfortable in the mouth, one that gives information without invoking an uncomfortable intimacy. Suddenly, some awkwardness of his role in Casey’s life fades away, is made right with this simple name. It’s one both of us will be readily adopting.
2 comments:
Reminds me of when I had a 20-something roomate active in queer politics. She was having a long-distance relationship and once said about a friend's reaction: "So I told her about this boy I was in love with and she said 'A bio boy or a tranny boy?' and I said a tranny boy and then she was O.K. But really, it shouldn't matter."
Lohree was neat -- moved in because she needed wheelchair-accessible housing. She had a whole collective of people doing care-giving, and her new love was involved in a similar setup in Canada. She's there now, pursuing a master's degree.
What a wonderful thought-provoking post, not to mention highly relevant to my own and David's life as we continue our journey towards adoption. The forms are filled in and posted back - actually, we took them in person, taking no chances - and now we're waiting for the next stage,a social worker to come to the house to meet us and start getting to know us. Something tells us it's likely to be January before that happens. What a wonderful start to 2006, though; how much more hopeful than some aspects of the year now in decline.
Bio-Dad and Bio-Mum. Great terms. I think they will be used in our expanded household and encouraged among our friends and family... x
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