An important intent of the gathering was to address changing the Principles of Unity, principles I was part of creating, to be more inclusive and gender fluid. I trusted that this would turn out okay, and it did. I like the changes, and honor the hard work that went into creating them.
I was reading David Richo's book, The Five Things We Cannot Change, on the flight up to Portland. This proved to be incredibly helpful when I found out on arriving that there was no pool. One of the five givens is that things do not always go according to plan. The gift of that given is that this we can grow from dealing with the unexpected. I dealt with the bitter disappointment of no pool with maturity. I had good books, a nice chair, and the weather was beautiful. I also had read his book, How To be an Adult in Faith and Spirituality. I felt grounded and prepared for Dandelion and happy to see my friends.
Soon after arriving, I went on a walk with Macha to look for the swimming hole. I quickly lost any interest in finding it. Macha immediantly rocked my roots by complaining about the waiver we had signed at registration. I hadn't really looked at what I signed, assuming it was some standard waiver releasing the organizers or hosts from being sued. According to Macha, I had instead signed away my right to talk about anything that happened at Dandelion. I had signed away my right to gossip. I found myself barking at her asking why in all the Gods names she signed it. Macha didn't have a good answer except she didn't want to make a fuss on coming in. I know the feeling, but there is no way in hell or heaven I could willingly sign my name to such a thing.
Cult, much?
The gossip issue is an old one. Paradoxically, I have been trashed in Reclaiming for being a gossip because I have spoken out so publicly on the dangers of secrets and keeping silent. Those who speak out openly and name group dysfunction, as in many dysfunctional groups, are often targeted as gossips, troublemakers, racists/classists/and or homophobes and yep, bullies. I am a psychotherapist, skilled at the uses of confidentiality. In my home community of Reclaiming, I have seen confidentiality invoked inappropriately to silence any talk of the elephant in the living room or to "make it safe" to say something horrible and even untrue about other community members.
My heart sank at Macha's news.
We walked back and I asked around until I found an organizer of the event to talk to. In true dreamlike fashion, her name was Serenity. A perfect name! The Serenity Prayer has been instrumental in me detaching from dysfunctional struggles in my home community and accepting that some things we just can't change, despite our good intentions. Serenity found the waiver I had signed and on my asking, found out how it came to be at Dandelion. It was taken from the waiver from my home community's witch camp. Of course. The organizers being somewhat new to Reclaiming, wouldn't it make perfect sense to use a waiver from the community that birthed Reclaiming?
"The adult undersigned fully agrees to hold confidential all information
regarding other participants, especially the emotional process of other
individuals, and lifestyle choices of D5 participants. Confidential
means to refrain from gossip or commenting on other participant's
behavior/personal process. This is to create a safe environment for
people to do deep work, and is part of our commitment to eliminate
gossip in the Reclaiming Community. Gossip is not supported at any
Reclaiming events."
Read that again, slowly.
What mature adult can take a waiver like this seriously, much less sign it? What community commits to eliminate gossip? Is such a thing even possible or even desirable in human community? Does this not scream, yell and holler red flag?
Serenity assured me I could stay, even though I crossed off that part, along with Macha, Dawn, Donald and Mark. They, other than the organizers, are the only people I complained to. I was determined not to make a fuss, it would not serve the community or myself. I stayed for the rest of the day, but part of me continued to be shocked that so many in my home community sign this year after year. It literally boggled my mind. To add insult to injury, I was told by several people it was put into use around the same time as I wrote the article on gossip for the Reclaiming Quarterly.
Mark spoke up about the waiver the next day at a feedback meeting, and pretty much everyone agreed that it was ridiculous. Outside of my home community, that waiver makes no sense. Why I can't participate in Reclaiming anymore is because in my home community, it does.
And that's just something I can't change.
Accepting that, I had two great days in Portland on my own, exploring book stores and food trucks and hearing tales each night of what was happening at Dandelion from Donald, Dawn, Mark and Jim. I felt at peace that I couldn't participate. I trusted the people there to come up with good changes to the principles of unity. I did wrestle some with the gathering working towards being more inclusive, yet the very fact of that waiver's continued existence in my home community excludes me from fully participating in Reclaiming. The Serenity Prayer helped calm me down. Acceptance is the solution to this problem.
If Macha hadn't made such a dramatic exit, I would not be writing this post. I can't change my home community and I am no longer trying. However, losing Macha and there being no mention of it on the big Reclaiming listserve, only congratulatory e-mails about the changes to the Principles of Unity, compelled me to say something. Which led to hours of reflection on how to be in healthy relation to the tradition I helped create and what was and is my responsibility as an older adult who in my younger and middle years helped birth this tradition. A tradition that I can't really participate in fully any more.
I can't change that. But, I can keep loving the people that I love, which really is the heart of any spiritual path. And, I can still use the principles of unity as organizing principles of my life. And, I can very simply tell my story. I think this is what elders or whatever you call people who have been around for many decades should do. Tell their stories.
So, I am.
I can't change that. But, I can keep loving the people that I love, which really is the heart of any spiritual path. And, I can still use the principles of unity as organizing principles of my life. And, I can very simply tell my story. I think this is what elders or whatever you call people who have been around for many decades should do. Tell their stories.
So, I am.