Years back, one of my dearest friends remarked that what made me an excellent therapist was a challenge for me relationship wise. I believe in redemption, that things can change. I hone my eye on what’s healthy, breathing into that as opposed to focusing on what’s not. I don’t give up easily. As a therapist, these traits have been a great blessing, and they have infused my work. In relationship to anything else, they are a mixed bag. I have tended to stay in things longer than is good for me, and have had a high tolerance for dynamics that others quickly walk away from, focusing instead on the bits and pieces of possibilities for change. If I love something or someone, I hang on tight.
Recently, as discussions about Reclaiming have swirled, and I move from dating into a more committed relationship, I’ve been thinking on what my friend told me years ago, and about those most difficult (for me) questions; At what moment is it most appropriate to not tenaciously hold on but to ease the grip? How best to determine the moment when the best thing to do in service of life is to cut a cord? When do you give it your all as opposed to throwing in the towel? I’m mulling these questions as I once again open my heart to someone and as I continue to reflect on my long standing affair with Reclaiming, one that helped forge me into the priestess I am today, but, like so many affairs, has also caused heartache and pain.
A year or so ago I let go of my connection to the local Reclaiming “community” I’ve been part of for over twenty years. The wisdom of this was underscored by the almost studious lack of notice or concern my departure evoked. I certainly am not alone in this experience, being one of many seasoned and integral priestesses of the tradition who drop away due to a variety of frustrations. For many of us who have pulled back or left, the pain of letting go is exacerbated by the refusal of the few remaining founders to view our departures as any real loss.
The Bay Area, where Reclaiming was founded, is almost a showcase of the shadow side of Reclaiming, marked by the insidious and powerful unspoken rule that our conflicts not be discussed openly, and that departures need to remain unacknowledged and unimportant. Given that we’ve been around for so long, there’s strikingly few “elders” remaining, and the elephant in the living room is named and noted about everywhere but in the actual living room. Ironically, the very views and vision that have caused me to be so reviled locally have engendered respect in the wider community, where there is a growing comfort level with talking about conflicts openly, and where certain elephants take up far less space. Situational narcissism and the bullying that follows is a problem in any spiritual community. A spiritual community like Reclaiming that is still in its first generation has no tools to deal with this, and barely the language. It’s clear the tools and language will not be developed here in the Bay Area, the place most beleaguered by the problem, but in greater Reclaiming I think there at the very least is some consciousness that there is a problem.
On my last trip to
Today I looked at my athame and it struck me; that feather has helped me lighten up in regards to boundary setting. This doesn’t mean I’m not setting boundaries. On the contrary, I’m saying no more often, and more easily to things which involve me giving in a way that is not reciprocated in kind. I’m saying yes more easily too, and paying attention to what brings me joy and delight.
Teaching this year at Spiral Heart, an east coast Reclaiming witchcamp, I found myself enjoying myself immensely, being able to take in the best Reclaiming has to offer, and giving the best I could offer as well. What I gave and what I received was in balance, something that hasn’t been true locally for years. Being treated respectfully and kindly goes far and I found it pathetic to realize how accustomed I had become to being treated otherwise, especially in what is supposed to be a spiritual community. The work that was done was in accordance with Reclaiming’s principles of unity, and I realized how rarely this has been my experience for the last decade in
I’ve been thinking on the fact that as therapist, I give my full attention to clients, and I am rewarded in kind with a good living. At this time period of my life, I’m no longer interested in being part of any community or in any relationship where output isn’t met by equal input, where simple kindness and respect is not a guiding principle. Since I’ve been paying more attention to this, my friendships have become more fulfilling, my relationship to spiritual community has been redefined, and my love life more joyful.
My new athame is perfectly balanced, and I’ve charged it up mindfully with this intent. Like my breath, I want to move thru the world balancing what I take in with what I let go of, holding both as sacred…and sacred too that space between the inhale and exhale, that place between the breaths. I’m thinking that those questions I’ve viewed as so difficult just may get easier and easier, and maybe, just maybe, the more I get comfortable with letting go, the more that will come flowing in. Tonight I’ll be meeting my girlfriend for dinner with the friends I’ve made in the past year, and I know there will be lightness, love, and laughter between us. All of this is new, all has come in as a result of letting go of other things. I’m hoping this new relationship will be a long one, but I have a growing confidence that I will be able to let go when and if it ever causes more pain than pleasure. I haven’t given up on Reclaiming as a whole, I’ll be engaging in it when and if I am treated as a person of some value, worthy of the same respect due any other community member. Thank goddess for my new athame. It is a tool worth having. With its help, I've lightened up.
3 comments:
Situational narcissism
Ah -- that's a good handle on some things I've seen.
Reminds me of something from Walter Miller's 1959 post-apocalyptic novel A Canticle for Liebowitz. Brother Francis of the Order of Liebowitz is examining something contemporary readers will recognize as vacuum tubes: Once he had seen a shaman of the hill-pagan people wearing a string of them as a ceremonial necklace. The hill people thought of them as "parts of the body of the god".... By swallowing one of them, a shaman could acquire "Infallibility," they said. He certainly acquired Indisputability that way, among his own people--unless he swallowed one of the poison kind.
I think Indisputability is itself the poison -- it drives humans crazy to be unchallenged for too long.
What a beautiful post, Oak. Blessings on your work, your love, your life!
Oak, I'm touched by some of what you've written, and utterly perplexed by other things you say.
You refer to "the almost studious lack of notice or concern my departure evoked." What would you have by way of acknowledgement?
I've come and gone a few times, depending on my interest, my level of alienation, other priorities in my life, and such. I don't recall anything ever having been said one way or the other about it. It never occurred to me to expect anything. Does this mean I don't value myself and my contributions? Because I do. I'm puzzled.
You say, "For many of us who have pulled back or left, the pain of letting go is exacerbated by the refusal of the few remaining founders to view our departures as any real loss."
I guess how one reacts depends on the circumstances under which one left. Once I went to a Collective meeting and said I had to quit because I was going through a divorce and reording my life entirely. People said goodbye there; there was no public notice taken one way or another.
Like you, I've been hurt by the way some things have been handled, the way some things have fallen out. Then again, I never was a 'close in' as you, so maybe that makes the breaks easier.
At the same time, Reclaiming has always been my Craft family. Even when I didn't want that to be the case, it's continued to be so. What can I say?
You mention "the insidious and powerful unspoken rule that our conflicts not be discussed openly...." I agree completely that they should be discussed. What I'm not so certain of is the "openly" part. I think they should definitely be discussed openly internally, but I don't see much value in airing dirty laundry in public. About the notice "that departures need to remain unacknowledged and unimportant," I confess to having been relieved that some people have left. The less said, the better in those cases.
However, when someone who is clearly a valued and contributing member, one who does not alienate our long-time members, friends and supporters, leaves, then I think reviewing what happened, why and how is very important.
You say, "Ironically, the very views and vision that have caused me to be so reviled locally have engendered respect in the wider community." I must have missed the revilement you've experienced.
My experience has been quite different. I felt pretty much ignored, but that didn't bother me so much, I guess because I've remained so involved in other Witchy activities. Also, as I say, my experiences have been from a bit greater distance and are (mostly) longer ago and further in the past.
I've experienced a big turn-about in the last year or two. Since the 2005 Spiral Dance and the 2006 Dandelion Gathering, I've felt much more appreciated. I don't think I'm that much changed from who I always was, at least in terms of how I was a Witch in the local and wider Reclaiming communities. I'm saying many of the same things. My performance in the context of public rituals is in accordance with how I learned to priestess, in public or in private, and with who I am. Now, it seems, something has happened, maybe it's a kind of community maturity. Whatever the reason(s), I feel that people value who I am and what I stand for. I wish the same for you, my friend.
Brigit's balm!
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